Slob is a Four Letter Word

I'm not dead.

But I may as well be.

I haven't left the house for 2 days.

I have to write 9000 words by next Monday.

My plan is not to leave the computer 'til then, save a trip to the library.

When I have this much stuff to do & this much stress, I start living hand-to-mouth.

Yesterday I only put on pants because I had to answer the door... for the pizza delivery man.

(N.B. I don't cope well with pressure.)

For your enjoyment, here's a before and after...

How I normally look (all-day, everyday):


>>Note the intense fabulousness and easy grace.

How I look when in study-mode:


>>Note the 1.25 litre bottle of Coke, the Kylie CD, the hovel-like surrounds, the lank hair, the crazed and bloodshot eyes.

What a Churl Wants...

I normally frown upon that terrible practice of bloggers to create 'wishlists', in which they detail the commodities they’re hankering after. Sometimes (to extend the vulgarity) they even write down how much these things cost! *spits in distaste*

Like my resolve to never compare my mood to a song at the start of a post, I promised myself I would never succumb to this particular trashy cliché of bloggerdom.

So, let it be known that it pains me to do what I am about to do.

Yeah, I’m about to write a list of things I would like for my birthday. But, wait! There is a motivation behind it other than self-obsession, I swear. It's actually due to popular demand. (Can't argue with that!) Apparently I’m a difficult person to buy presents for and my friends keep asking for help on the matter. For some reason, I find it overwhelmingly embarrassing to talk about what I want (due, perhaps, to an overactive superego), so I thought I’d put it in here instead. Anyway, if you're one of the people who has been questioning me, I'd love to receive anything on this list. Be sure to leave a comment, so other people know that you're going to get it. I promise not to read the comments section!

So, here goes...

*Anything J-Pop related. This is going to be my new obsession if I can get it off the ground! Anything you can find related to cheesy Japanese pop would be much appreciated. I’m a bit in love with a band called SMAP, if that helps.

*Mid-90s’ Eurodance music. I really want Corona’s album ‘The Rhythm of The Night’, the Real McCoy’s album ‘Another Night’, and Technotronic’s Greatest Hits.

*I’d really like the ‘Aikea-Guinea’ EP by Cocteau Twins. (I don’t only listen to cheesy pop, you know!)

*The soundtrack to Terrence Malick’s film ‘Badlands’. I’ve been looking (though only in real shops, not online ones) for this CD on and off for 4 years. Man, it would be awesome to finally get it.

NB. If you want to give me burns or download CDs off the net, that’s totally fine; I won’t think you’re a cheapskate. It’s about the music, not the price-tag. Why go to J.B. and waste $30 on something you could get for free?!

*For some reason, I’d like a bust of a famous dead person. Authors or poets preferably, but whatever you can find I’m sure I’ll love! Shelley would be great (as in Percy Bysshe, not Mary), because I respect many things about him, including his work and his politics. (Plus, he was a vegetarian! ...OK, so his personal life was a fucking mess, but let’s put that aside, shall we?) Or maybe William Godwin or Lord Byron. Any literary figures who were also politically radical totally float my boat. However, Marx or Mozart would probably be easier to find.

*A poster of the Smiths.

*Madonna’s ‘Immaculate Collection’ DVD. I think it’s time to move on from my Ultimate Kylie DVD, don’t you?

*You can’t fail with any kind of paraphernalia to do with Sailor Moon, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Batman, Wonder Woman or Cat Woman. (Yeah, I know I’m sad.)

*One of those light-up religious pictures (with coloured LEDs) you get at el-cheapo stores (there’s lots of them on Sydney Rd!). Preferably the Virgin Mary with a light-up sacred heart.

*A huge, black, man-size umbrella. One big enough to use as a walking stick, with a curved handle. (À la John Steed's umbrella in 'The Avengers.') ...Don't bother with any penis envy jokes, by the way.

Anyway, that'll do y'all. Amazingly, I still feel embarrassed even though I'm writing about it instead of saying it out loud.

In Eurodance news, Russ has put an MP3 of 'Another Night' up for everyone to enjoy! Go here to listen to it. I also discovered that the Real McCoy's MC (Olaf Jeglitza) has a blog! Go here to experience the life of a performer whose 15 minutes of fame have well and truly passed. Here's some choice quotes that appear in an entry from March 2006...
On his life: "Time goes by ... and nothing happens LOL!"
On his most recent show: "it´s been a long time since I did my last public performance … and this is obvious to see."
On his image: "I look kinda like a “child abuser” …"

Who would've thought the career of this man would have been so short-lived?
I mean, it's a classic look to adopt, not to mention a timeless style of music to produce. This kind of stuff just doesn't date.

Get Ready For This because there's No Limit!

Even though my sidebar is fucked and now for some reason appears at the bottom of the page (if someone could explain why this is to me, I'd be e'er so grateful), you may have noticed the brand new feature of this blog... It's a called "Mid 90s' Eurodance Track O' The Week!" and its function is to guide you down memory lane, back to when the dance music that dominated the charts wasn't supplied by cartoon frogs but rather by Frogs from France! (But let's not forget the Italians, the Dutch, the Belgians, and ESPECIALLY the Germans, without whom 90s' Eurodance would be nothing.) That's right, until I get bored with it, I'll be celebrating all those fabulous, floor-filling, cheesy club anthems that made the 1990s the aural feast that they were, by putting up the lyrics to all the best mega hits in my special Eurodance sidebar box (or Super Time Portal, as I prefer to think of it!).

Over the coming weeks the Super Time Portal will feature such amazing artistes as:
Corona!
La Bouche!
2 Unlimited!
Black Box!
Real McCoy!
Technotronic!
Haddaway!
Dr. Alban!
Culture Beat!
Twenty 4 Seven!
Jam & Spoon!
Tokyo Ghetto Pussy!
Unique II!
Snap!(!)

And when I've run out of continental Europeans, I'm might head north to the UK for such luminaries as:
Londonbeat!
Rozalla!
Betty Boo!

Don't worry if most of those names mean nothing to you... As soon as you read the lyrics, the Super Time Portal will work its magic and the sleazy sonic Eurotrash will all come flooding back to you like Crystal Waters (who was, unfortunately, an American so she doesn't count!).

This new miniature obsession of mine with the House anthems of my youth was brought on when I declared on NYE that 2006 would be the year of No Limits. I was inspired by that oh-so catchy and completely inane song by 2 Unlimited (i.e. the biggest Dutch artistic export since van Gogh), and proceeded to sing it all night, much to the amusement (or was that chagrin?) of my friends. I realised that I had a whole bunch of song fragments of that ilk running around in my head and decided to track them down. It was only then that I realised almost all of them were Eurodance! (With the exception of Ultra Naté, C+C Music Factory, 2 In A Room, and, Crystal Waters, who were all brillo but all Americans! Foiled!)

Anyway, get ready to cringe with embarrassment as you read the stellar lyrical efforts of the too-cool-for-Eurovision set, who blew the world away with songs that were mainly about "the night" (and all the crazy shit that happens in it) and being someone's "baby"... I can hardly wait!

Spot the difference...


Left: 2 Unlimited single cover
Right: La Bouche album cover



Mid 90s' Eurodance acts had similar marketing strategies. Crazy hair, vinyl clothing, plum lipstick, male rapper/female singer combinations, visible bras, a penchant for looking away from the camera, the colour blue, etc.

Sex And The Suburbs; or; "Creeps sought by 21 y/o girl for fun times at their expense."

Whenever I bother to peruse the local Leader newspaper, (generally only in moments of extreme procrastination), I always make sure I check out the personals column. Yes, I am single, but don't worry, I'm have't reached the point where I'm hoping to recognise my "soulmate" through such vague descriptions as "DTE", "GSOH", "VGSOH", "N/D", "S/D, "S/S", "N/S", etc. etc. etc. Now that we've cleared that up, I'm sure you're probably thinking "Ooh, Alex, how 'Ghost World' of you to look through the personals for fun!", but to that I reply "SHUT UP... I was Enid before it was cool to be Enid". Although, I draw the line at actually calling anyone up to make fun of them; I'm not that mean.

However, in the last few years, the personals column has become increasingly samey and boring. These days it's just the usual ragtag bunch of sad old men looking for gorgeous Asian girls, or "homely" women (or gorgeous "homely" Asian women). Not to mention the seemingly never-ending supply of middle-aged guys who are looking for some "discreet daytime fun" while their wife is out picking the kids up from school. The advent of internet dating has meant all the interesting perverts and weirdoes are displaying their wares online; but who has time to trawl through thousands of profiles looking for Mr. Right Old Creep when all you want is a quick chuckle at the residents of your home suburb?

Anyway, I was flicking through Talking Friends the other day and managed to strike gold! Not once, but three times! As this has become such a rare occurrence, I decided to share my finds with you. Check out the gems I found in the Male Seeks Female section:

"LOOKS AND AGE unimportant, jovial, DTE lady married/widow. Call me."
This one isn't actually that weird, but I can't help wondering why exactly the woman has to be married or widowed. Maybe he has a fetish for pretending to be someone's significant other. I almost want to call him up and ask.

"STONER 28 tall med bld seeks fun stoner chick, slim, must work."
This guy sounds like a real catch, huh?! I'd give you his VMB number, but I want to call him myself.

"WARRIOR POET SEEKS PRINCESS 42 y/o male looking for a quiet 18-32 who prefers their nights at home for r/ship."
I imagine the relationship would be something like this...
Her: "Darling, it's my 19th birthday; can we go out for a night on the town?"
Him: "No, dear. Now shut up and listen to the FIERCE poem I wrote about you, my little Xena."
Her: "OK, Dad... I mean, dear."

Anyway, you'll probably accuse me of trying to rip off Desci's Freakline, but I don't care. I had to share the spoils of my hunt.

Jeepers. Tomorrow (the 7th of May) is my 21st birthday. Expect a new post shortly about why I don't feel I'm ready for the oversized novelty key just yet.