Friday, December 30, 2005

LiveJournal User Profile: The emo girl

LiveJournal/AIM username: xDARKENINGxTORMENTx (find out your emo name here!)
Name of her LiveJournal: The Shards Of Your Tears Cut My Heart.
Typical excerpt from her LiveJournal:
Current mood: :-( Sad
Current music:
'Kill Me Quickly' by Thrice
Today I've been listening to a lot of Thrice. It always makes me cry. It feels like these lyrics were written for me:

"I'm sick of the bleeding until we fall down,
Sick of this circle of death that we dance through again and again"
I mean, doesn't that just sum up me and Jordan's relationship perfectly? It's like they looked into my soul. Listening to Thrice always reminds me of how fucked things are with Jordan. (Why doesn't he like me??) Anyway, after I finished crying, Shara came over and we watched 'Pretty In Pink'. If Duckie had Buddy Holly glasses, I would so fuck him. (Pity he's in that 'Two And A Half Men' show now.) We tried to make a drinking game to go with the movie, but we gave up pretty quickly and just got wasted. Can't believe I broke my edge AGAIN. No wonder Jordan doesn't like me.
Likes: scenesters who have their own car, boys who are in bands, making out with her girlfriends at parties, boys who don't eat meat, being wooed with mix-tapes, straight-edge guys, inch-wide badges, Chucks, getting scene points, boys who write songs about her.
Dislikes: boys with 20-20 vision (horn-rimmed glasses are a MUST, although she will accept boys with plain glass lenses if they're really cute), paying cover charges, going all the way on the first date, not getting Inpress first thing Wednesday morning, not having anywhere to go on Saturday night, having "hoodie hair", when her nailpolish isn't chipped enough, when her friends talk about a band she doesn't know, when boys don't call.
Favourite bands: Thursday, Sunny Day Real Estate, Mineral, The Used, Death Cab For Cutie, Jawbreaker, The Promise Ring, Alkaline Trio.
Favourite movies: 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind', 'Heathers', 'Amelie', 'Ghostworld', 'Me And You And Everyone We Know'.

Hobbies: getting on the door for gigs, collecting limited edition vinyl issues of her favourite albums, band name-dropping, doing things ironically, telling people she got her band merch at "shows" even though she bought it on eBay, taking arty-looking Polaroid pictures of herself and sticking them on her mirror, flirting with the bouncers at Ding Dong.
Secret shames: she isn't actually attracted to girls, she enjoys going to 'Next', one of her t-shirts is from Miss Shop, she lost her virginity while listening to The Tea Party, she still has a crush on Billy-Joe from Green Day, she finds it a turn-off when guys cry after sex.
Greatest fear: "What if blunt fringes don't suit me?!"
Find her at: Dangerfield, the Art House, Missing Link.

Future careers: full-time muse, aging groupie, gloating and sadistic door bitch, unsuccessful poet.
What Nige54 would say: She likes to drink, so it would be pretty easy to take her out, get her plastered, and then take advantage (one of the patented pick-up techniques outlined in my book Around The World In 80 Babes). However, she has way too much attitude for a girl who is so average looking. First of all, she is a brunette (normally I would ignore her for this reason alone; however I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt). Secondly, where did she misplace her boobs?! I only get nude with a C-cup or larger. However, the fact that she seems like such a crack-whore bitch makes me want to bend her over and teach her a lesson. That would be sensational.

Alex says: I actually think emo kids look pretty cute, although I don't want to be one myself. I have friends who are emo, and I hope they don't find this entry. Scarily enough, I was listening to a mix-tape of Svet's the other day and I realised I was listening to Thursday, and I didn't think the song was half bad. (Damn.) So, despite my best efforts, perhaps I am actually an emo girl at (my bleeding) heart! A worrying thought. And I decided to add a bit of bile to the cauldron brewing for Nige54 in everyone else's blog seeing as I was already making fun of people. Anyway, I plan to rip into more cliched people in future posts, like the Supre Chick and the Arts' Student! Stay tuned.

Thanks for the help with the photo-shoot, Svet!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The Inaugural Jerry Orbach Memorial Post

On this day in 2004, the actor Jerry Orbach died.

When I first decided to write this post, I entertained the idea of trying to make a lame pun in the title; something along the lines of 'Jerry Bomb', 'Sweet Jerry Pie', or 'Pop My Jerry' . However, I decided that was tacky and disrespectful, and that people would get the idea that I thought the man's death was a joke. Which, for the record, I don't. Rather I was actually quite upset when he died. I still remember the where I was when I found out Jerry Orbach had succumbed to prostate cancer, (it has the cultural significance to me of the old "Where were you when you found out when JFK had been assassinated?" for the baby-boomers). Me and my friend Natasha were walking down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh on New Years' Eve, and we went past a copy of USA Today outside a newsagent. I couldn't believe my eyes when I happened to glance upon one of the headlines which informed me that my beloved Jerry, (a.k.a the only reason I still enjoyed 'Law & Order'), had gone to the beat in the sky. Prime time will never be the same.

I only really saw two of his movies, being Woody Allen's 'Crimes and Misdemeanors' and, of course, 'Dirty Dancing', in both of which he was great (although I probably would have enjoyed watching him in 'Waterworld' or 'The Transporter' or 'Plan Nine From Outer Space'). I just found out that he also played Lumiere in Disney's 'Beauty and the Beast', so next time you get stoned and watch it for shits and giggles, keep an ear out for his distinctive voice! One of his television roles that I enjoyed was a recurring part on 'Murder, She Wrote'. He brought a certain humanity and darkness to the usual cast, which was sorely lacking (I mean, how bright and sunny could a woman possibly be when she writes murder-mysteries for a living and then solves "real" murder-mysteries in her spare time?! Not as fucking cheery as Jessica Fletcher, I'm willing to bet). In the show he had such classic lines as "I've never hit a dame in my life, but you're itching to be the first." I'll always remember that one. And then, of course, he toiled for years on 'Law & Order' as the memorable Lennie Briscoe. He was the only character with any goddamn personality on that show! (At least, at the time when I was watching it.) Dennis Farina's Fontana will NEVER replace him, and in fact I stopped watching it after Orbach left, (although that may have had something to with the the fact that I started to get bored with the formula...) What more can I say about Briscoe that hasn't already been said?! Not much (plus, I have to stop writing because Svet is about to take me out for gelati! Woo!)


Goodbye, Jerry. Typecast though you may have been, your gruff, cynical but warmhearted, old-fashioned, man's man schtick will be missed by many. Especially me.

Here's lookin' at you, kid. 1935-2004

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

A Rose by any other name would taste as cheap...

For some reason today I thought it would be fun to relive my childhood by buying a box of Cadbury Roses chocolates all for myself. Back when I was a young 'un I thought that Roses chocolates were the height of luxury and decadence... To me they were a glorious ambrosia. However, after sampling them for the first time in 10 years, I have to concede that I may have been mistaken. And now that there are 24 garishly coloured wrappers twinkling on my desk, and I'm fighting a rising tide of nausea, I'm starting to realise the error of my piggish ways. And to make matters worse, scoffing a whole box of chocolates is a very Bridget Jones-ish thing to do. Although, she was given to scoffing Cadbury Milk Tray rather than Cadbury Roses. So maybe I haven't yet morphed completely into a pathetic cliche!

The chocolates were part of a larger campaign to sublimate my sexual energy. I dug out my Donna Summer double CD and my "microphone" (ie. a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pez dispenser... Donatello, of course) for a good ol' fashioned 3 hour karaoke session while I was bingeing. Seriously people, by the time I got to 'No More Tears (Enough Is Enough)' which is a duet with Babs Streisand, and 3/4 of the box was empty, I no longer cared that I have no sex life to speak of! Let me break it down for you:
Passionate karaoke + chocolate = really good endorphins
Plus, Donna has some pretty sexy tunes. Her orgasmic moaning and breathy delivery in songs like 'Love To Love You Baby', and the number of times she says she wants you to "come" (she's obviously talking directly to me) in 'Could It Be Magic', make it seem as though after you've worked your way through the album you've just had sex with her. And a girl could do a lot worse.

An update for those thousands of readers who are eagerly following my progress on the harmonica: today I decided to have another crack at the trying to play a song by ear. I think I was spurred into action by the intense self-hatred that arose after realising while writing yesterday's entry that I'd left my cute little Hohner in its box for 6 whole months. Today, the song was Duran Duran's classic* 'Hungry Like The Wolf', and I think I definitely got closer than when I tried to master Shakira's 'Whenever, Wherever'. Probably because I actually like the song (it helps!) Unfortunately, I got so into it that I started getting dizzy from hyperventilation after the fifth run-through. How am I ever going to make it in the cut-throat world of professional harmonica playing if I can't even get through 5 songs without almost passing out?! Ah, well.

I've gotten very blog-centric lately, haven't I? Although, apparently it's quantity rather than quality; my token indie jerk** friend told me that my last entry was "sub-par", which was a scary thought given that I don't think the "par" of this blog was very high to begin with. No matter. Sub-par or not, the entries are just going to keep on coming! Stay tuned to this station for a new series of entries that mock various stereotypes by way of blogger profiles. They will even include pictures of yours truly donning the garb and the poses of those I make fun of. The first cab off the rank will be the emo girl.

* - admittedly, the use of the word "classic" here is highly debateable.
** - I only said that because I don't like it when you criticise me, Droog.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Monday 19 December

60kg, alcohol units 0, cigarettes 0, calories ?? (who counts their calorie intake?), cola units 3 (bad), minutes spent listening to Depeche Mode 67.

Realised I have turned into some kind of Bridget Jones type figure. Am going slowly insane due to holiday-related boredom. Sit at home all-day and feel badly about all the crappy food I eat (only for reasons of health, I'm not actually concerned about how much I weigh). I, like Ms. Jones, made a list of resolutions (well, in my case, sort of more a list of holiday goals) and they were as follows: (by the way, minutes spent trying to find my holiday goals list on my desk 23)

-Work a lot and earn some cash so I can part-ay (unfortunately my job at Metlink has ceased until next year, so will have to look for a job if I want money. Odds of this occurring slim.)

-Make a zine with my pal Jess (Jess recently disappeared to Tasmania, so not sure when our co-production will begin...)

-Learn how to play the harmonica (funny story... kinda. Got a harmonica for my birthday from a very sweet friend who heard me talking about how I wanted to take it up, and wisely guessed that I was going to need some help getting the ball rolling. The day after I got it, attempted to figure out a Shakira song by ear (her CD was a gag gift from another friend) on my own, got confused about straight harp and cross harp, and chucked it in telling myself I would get myself a "Teach Yourself Harmonica" book. That was in May. This X-mas I am anticipating a "Teach Yourself Harmonica" book as a present from another friend, so hopefully 6 months later I will actually get on to learning the harmonica. I SUCK!)

-Learn how to skateboard (as a child I always thought skaters were the coolest people ever. I grew up and realised they are mostly cock-heads, but the desire to be one has not faded. However, still haven't actually gotten around to buying the board.)

-Write at least one blog entry per week (HA!!!)

-Volunteer at a soup kitchen (this will happen. Even if I never do learn to skate, I will volunteer somewhere if it kills me!)

-Join a refugee action group (see above.)

-Play frisbee (what was I smoking when I thought this would make me a better person??)

-Build on vinyl collection (see above.)

However as you can see, I, like Ms. Jones, am having trouble actually getting these things done. The only goal I have attained thus far is my one to build on my vinyl collection (records that is, not cat-suits. Get your mind out of the gutter). However, the progress made to this end has been to purchase $30 worth of utter shame and degradation, including 'Wow' by Bananarama, 'Enjoy Yourself' by Kylie Minogue, 'Waves' by Katrina and the Waves, 'Whitney' by Whitney Houston, 'Fore' by Huey Lewis and the News (this is potentially the most embarrassing thing I have ever purchased in my entire life), and some lame compilation of songs from 80s' movies, which I bought because it has 'Axel F' from 'Beverly Hills Cop'. (Can't believe I just committed all that to writing. Feeling overwhelming urge to confess more; have recently started buying 2nd-hand cassettes (!) and actually paid a whole dollar for a copy of the 'St. Elmo's Fire' soundtrack (let it be known that I hate that fucking movie), and someone's homemade tape which featured New Order and Ultravox on one side and Devo on the other.)

In case you can't tell, I recently read 'Bridget Jones' Diary', which made me feel bad because it is pretty trashy and I wanted to read to broaden my mind these holidays (another one of my stupid goals). Ah, well. Will start reading 'The Crisis of American Democracy' tomorrow, in an attempt at absolution.