Sunday, May 06, 2007

You would cry, too, if it happened to you...

It was my birthday last Monday and I turned 22. I didn't think it was a biggie until I realised that I'm not a fun novelty age anymore. I'm no longer 21, a year that for me was the Bio-Dome of adulthood; a kind of maturity hermetically-sealed from the outside world (though hopefully that doesn't make me Pauly Shore). The upshot of it all is that my summer of '69 is over. After I recovered from that shocking realisation, it occurred to me that in the last year I've also managed to slip into rampant uncoolness. Somewhere between my killer 21st party and my recent bottle cap collection, I lost my mojo. What events and lifestyle factors led to these twain epiphanies? Consider the following indications that I might be past my prime:

1. I take four kinds of pills before I go to bed. One is the Pill, one is an antibiotic for a UTI, one is an iron supplement, and one is a laxative to stop me getting constipated from the iron supplement. When my doctor diagnosed my iron deficiency, she also told me that I have a Vitamin D deficiency and that I need to get more sun. Doesn't she realise that the daylight hours are the luckiest time at the pokies?
I actually take drugs for my bowel movements; a definite indication of oldness.
2. My musical taste seems to be firmly rooted in the past. While my friends stock-up on the new CDs by the Fratellis or Lady Sovereign, the last debut album I bought was by Devo (a 1978 release). I also recently purchased Prince's Dirty Mind (1980), an album so old that hipster underpants hadn't even been invented yet. Observe:
I may be old-fashioned, but at least I buy albums with songs about oral sex on them.
3. The Saturday night before last, while the best minds of my generation were out smoking Cigarillos with Asian lesbians, or at least venturing outside their abodes, I was having possibly the lamest night-in ever. Consider these factors: I had dinner at 5pm. I was tempted to watch the Inspector Lynley Mysteries. I had a craving for fruit yoghurt at 8pm and actually went to the supermarket so that I could satisfy it. Six tubs later I sprawled on the couch till I fell asleep watching RockWiz. I was in bed by 10:30pm.My Saturday night had three active cultures, comprised protein for growth and repair, and contained no artificial colours or flavours. Did yours?

4. I collect bottle caps... From the packaging of nutritional fruit juice... Because they have trivia on them. Has the full gravity of that hit you, yet?
I also collect the trivia from the backing strips of Libra pads and liners. Is that wrong?
5. Instead of the cash my aunt has sent me every year since I was old enough to appreciate it, for my 22nd birthday I found a scratchie inside my card. How much does that scream "fogey"?
At least it's a Spiderman scratchie. The kids these days think he's pretty happenin'... Right?!

6. I watched the MTV Video Music Awards last week and realised that, when it comes to popular music these days, I'm just plain ig'nant. I couldn't pick Teddy Geiger from a line-up. I didn't know that Jared Leto was the lead singer of 30 Seconds To Mars. I thought Fedde Le Grand's name was "Freddy". I didn't know the difference between Bodyrox and BodyRockers. Even now I'm not sure how many Pussycat Dolls there actually are. The only performer I recognised was Fergie (some body parts more than others) and even she was performing a song that I'd never heard before. Basically, I'm completely out of touch. (Since when were their two Veronicas?)OK, so I get that there are two of them... But why are they both called Veronica?

So, it's all over for me. Please discuss.
The author with a few of her favourite things... Coloxyl (her laxative) and an oh-so cosy bed jacket.