Saturday, May 06, 2006

Sex And The Suburbs; or; "Creeps sought by 21 y/o girl for fun times at their expense."

Whenever I bother to peruse the local Leader newspaper, (generally only in moments of extreme procrastination), I always make sure I check out the personals column. Yes, I am single, but don't worry, I'm have't reached the point where I'm hoping to recognise my "soulmate" through such vague descriptions as "DTE", "GSOH", "VGSOH", "N/D", "S/D, "S/S", "N/S", etc. etc. etc. Now that we've cleared that up, I'm sure you're probably thinking "Ooh, Alex, how 'Ghost World' of you to look through the personals for fun!", but to that I reply "SHUT UP... I was Enid before it was cool to be Enid". Although, I draw the line at actually calling anyone up to make fun of them; I'm not that mean.

However, in the last few years, the personals column has become increasingly samey and boring. These days it's just the usual ragtag bunch of sad old men looking for gorgeous Asian girls, or "homely" women (or gorgeous "homely" Asian women). Not to mention the seemingly never-ending supply of middle-aged guys who are looking for some "discreet daytime fun" while their wife is out picking the kids up from school. The advent of internet dating has meant all the interesting perverts and weirdoes are displaying their wares online; but who has time to trawl through thousands of profiles looking for Mr. Right Old Creep when all you want is a quick chuckle at the residents of your home suburb?

Anyway, I was flicking through Talking Friends the other day and managed to strike gold! Not once, but three times! As this has become such a rare occurrence, I decided to share my finds with you. Check out the gems I found in the Male Seeks Female section:

"LOOKS AND AGE unimportant, jovial, DTE lady married/widow. Call me."
This one isn't actually that weird, but I can't help wondering why exactly the woman has to be married or widowed. Maybe he has a fetish for pretending to be someone's significant other. I almost want to call him up and ask.

"STONER 28 tall med bld seeks fun stoner chick, slim, must work."
This guy sounds like a real catch, huh?! I'd give you his VMB number, but I want to call him myself.

"WARRIOR POET SEEKS PRINCESS 42 y/o male looking for a quiet 18-32 who prefers their nights at home for r/ship."
I imagine the relationship would be something like this...
Her: "Darling, it's my 19th birthday; can we go out for a night on the town?"
Him: "No, dear. Now shut up and listen to the FIERCE poem I wrote about you, my little Xena."
Her: "OK, Dad... I mean, dear."

Anyway, you'll probably accuse me of trying to rip off Desci's Freakline, but I don't care. I had to share the spoils of my hunt.

Jeepers. Tomorrow (the 7th of May) is my 21st birthday. Expect a new post shortly about why I don't feel I'm ready for the oversized novelty key just yet.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

love you.

5:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy birthday!

11:59 AM  
Blogger TimT said...

Happy birthday!!!

12:04 PM  
Blogger Daniel said...

I shan't wish you happy birthday because I saw you a matter of hours ago and said it then. That and it seems somehow meaningless via the internet.

I am, however, intrigued as to what all those abbreviations mean. I don't know any of them, and can't guess. Help?

7:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear alex,
i know its late, and everyone else has said it before, but happy birthday!!! did you get my card, coz im a bit scared of the italian postal system...almost as scared of it as i am of them, particularly the homeless men who think just by looking at them they deserve a kiss...
anyway beside the point. happy birthday!!!!!!!!! hope you had a super-fun-awesomeo day and got lots of presents. be home to give you a really birthday hug soon.
miss you love lucyxxxxxxxxoooooo

9:52 PM  
Blogger Martie said...

You are so totally ripping off Desci's freakline!! Heh

OMG!!!!1! 21! Enjoy the key while it lasts. Happy birthday chika!

11:03 PM  
Blogger divinetrash said...

droog, ns, TimT: Jeez, guys. Thanks for the brevity.

As for you, Dan; how are you ever going to find love if you don't understand the abbreviations in the personals?! Anyway, they are as follows:
DTE: down to earth
GSOH: good sense of humour
VGSOH: very good sense of humour
N/D: non-drinker
S/D: social drinker
N/S: non-smoker
S/S: social smoker, or a member of the Nazi paramilitary organisation

Luce: Thanks! I was just now writing an email to let you know it arrived safe and sound. Such a cute card! You're a doll.

Martie: Thanks very much, Martie. Someone had to call it.

11:35 PM  
Blogger ManicLovely said...

Happy birthday tooooo yoouuuuuu.
Once on a mobile,
Once on a landline,
Once in person,
Now once on the net.
Im the best friend ever.

Great post by the way. Hilarious. That stoner will hold a soft spot in most of us MGC girls hearts, after all haven't we all been stuck in a adolescent disgusting relationship with someone like that? (Toms house=shudder)

I agree with Daniel, how the FUCK are us normal social types supposed to know all those personals abbreviations??
Thanks for the much delayed decoder.

11:33 AM  
Blogger Jon said...

Happy slightly belated birthday Alex! It's all down hill from here, trust me. I was shopping for hip replacements by twenty-three. Although that was more to fuel a personal fetish than out of neccessity.

Which brings me back on topic (smooth, huh?). It's high time personal column abbreviations were updated with an eye towards complete honesty. I propose:

IB: infrequent bather.
MA-SLWM: middle-aged, still lives with Mother.
ISOH: inappropriate sense of humour.
WRYSEx-LJ: will report your sexual exploits on their live journal.
APH: annoying personal habits.
WSFL: will settle for less.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for clearing up the abbreviations, like Dan i didn't have a clue - and i always liked to think of myself as a pretty up-to-date single so phew. HOwever that said i have to agree with Jon, and i say too Jon bravo on your new additions, be sure i will use them and appreciate.
Happy birthday Al, did say it on the day but don't want to be left out of the comment posts in also wishing you celebratory greetings on this anniversary of your birth.

6:34 PM  

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