Divine gets trashed! Shock new drug scandal: Alex found on bathroom floor after wild night out

Only Quasi Boho Alterna-Whatnot can reveal the latest crisis to rock the cosy world of "divinetrash" (a.k.a Alex). Sources close to the star say that after a night out in sleazy bars, Alex found herself paying the price, on her bathroom floor. Her messy morning is believed to be the result of undisclosed substances taken at Eurotrash bar and (the notorious) Lounge. "She was in and out of the ladies' toilets all night," a nightclub spy said. A party pal was more loose-lipped - as ever - revealing that it was her drug 'come-down' that brought on her illness. "It wasn't till 6am that she got sick. Before that she was totally fine."

Minders are apparently concerned about Alex's hard-partying ways, but she claims she's just "having fun".

QBA-W, spoke exclusively to a 'friend' of the star, who wanted to remain anonymous. "I was with her the whole time," he said. "When we got home, she was happy and chatty, watching T.V. in her loungeroom. Then she suddenly said, 'I'm just going to go straight to bed, without brushing my teeth.' Then she said, 'I feel sick; I think I might try to crawl to bed.' Finally, after trying to crawl, she jumped up and ran to the toilet."

When she got to the bathroom, things got from bad to worse. Instead of just letting herself throw-up whatever was making her sick, Alex tried to stop the vomit. "She seemed kind of paranoid," her 'friend' revealed. "She seemed to decide early on that she wasn't going to throw-up, and did everything she could to prevent it." Unfortunately, her attempts to swallow down whatever came up left her hyperventilating, according to pals.

Her 'friend' was left laughing at some of her demands. "She asked me to read to her to calm her down," he said. Ever the diva, Alex insisted, "Nothing postmodern!" as she lay on the bathroom floor. When her 'friend' needed to use the toilet, Alex apparently asked him to go outside, so she wouldn't have to move from the bowl.

Celeb-watchers are already beginning to speculate about when Alex may enter rehab.

In the hour that she spent clinging to the toilet, fighting waves of nausea, Alex became pale and shaky. She felt feverish and was unable to stop clenching her jaw and hands. Her 'friend' revealed to QBA-W that she also hallucinated, explaining that, "she could hear voices of people around her, and follow their conversations. It wasn't until she opened her eyes that she realised that there wasn't anyone there, except me."

When she stopped feeling vomitous, she curled-up in the foetal position, pressing her overheated face against the cold tiles. "It was the only place she felt cool and comfortable. She refused to come back to bed for another hour and a half," her "friend" explained. QBA-W asked Alex's father, John, for comment. He explained that her bad reaction was proof that she hadn't followed his philosophy on drugs. "I've always said that you shouldn't take anything made by criminals," he explained, when asked for comment. A big drug-taker in the 1970s, John said that he "always knew who made [his] drugs." His advice for Alex in the future is, "to stick to pot and speed, and you won't go wrong. I'm 65 now, and my brain works fine."

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OK, so, despite that being a tribute to the style of "journalism" employed by my favourite trashy magazine, NW, the above story is actually what happened to me on Saturday. I thought that, because I'm such a clean-livin' gal, I should make a tribute to the repercussions of what was only the second time I've dabbled in class A drugs! Everything described is true (yes, even the bit about me going to the Lounge), and my dad really did give me that advice. That is his idea of what a drug lecture should be like but, then again, he is a nutcase and seems to have no idea about what the drug scene is like in modern times. I'm thinking of hiring him out for the 'Life Education' van that goes to primary schools, as a fill-in for Harold the giraffe.
P.S. The pictures of me are based on this oh-so flattering portrait of John Mayer:

Nice catch, Jessica.