Tuesday, December 20, 2005

A Rose by any other name would taste as cheap...

For some reason today I thought it would be fun to relive my childhood by buying a box of Cadbury Roses chocolates all for myself. Back when I was a young 'un I thought that Roses chocolates were the height of luxury and decadence... To me they were a glorious ambrosia. However, after sampling them for the first time in 10 years, I have to concede that I may have been mistaken. And now that there are 24 garishly coloured wrappers twinkling on my desk, and I'm fighting a rising tide of nausea, I'm starting to realise the error of my piggish ways. And to make matters worse, scoffing a whole box of chocolates is a very Bridget Jones-ish thing to do. Although, she was given to scoffing Cadbury Milk Tray rather than Cadbury Roses. So maybe I haven't yet morphed completely into a pathetic cliche!

The chocolates were part of a larger campaign to sublimate my sexual energy. I dug out my Donna Summer double CD and my "microphone" (ie. a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pez dispenser... Donatello, of course) for a good ol' fashioned 3 hour karaoke session while I was bingeing. Seriously people, by the time I got to 'No More Tears (Enough Is Enough)' which is a duet with Babs Streisand, and 3/4 of the box was empty, I no longer cared that I have no sex life to speak of! Let me break it down for you:
Passionate karaoke + chocolate = really good endorphins
Plus, Donna has some pretty sexy tunes. Her orgasmic moaning and breathy delivery in songs like 'Love To Love You Baby', and the number of times she says she wants you to "come" (she's obviously talking directly to me) in 'Could It Be Magic', make it seem as though after you've worked your way through the album you've just had sex with her. And a girl could do a lot worse.

An update for those thousands of readers who are eagerly following my progress on the harmonica: today I decided to have another crack at the trying to play a song by ear. I think I was spurred into action by the intense self-hatred that arose after realising while writing yesterday's entry that I'd left my cute little Hohner in its box for 6 whole months. Today, the song was Duran Duran's classic* 'Hungry Like The Wolf', and I think I definitely got closer than when I tried to master Shakira's 'Whenever, Wherever'. Probably because I actually like the song (it helps!) Unfortunately, I got so into it that I started getting dizzy from hyperventilation after the fifth run-through. How am I ever going to make it in the cut-throat world of professional harmonica playing if I can't even get through 5 songs without almost passing out?! Ah, well.

I've gotten very blog-centric lately, haven't I? Although, apparently it's quantity rather than quality; my token indie jerk** friend told me that my last entry was "sub-par", which was a scary thought given that I don't think the "par" of this blog was very high to begin with. No matter. Sub-par or not, the entries are just going to keep on coming! Stay tuned to this station for a new series of entries that mock various stereotypes by way of blogger profiles. They will even include pictures of yours truly donning the garb and the poses of those I make fun of. The first cab off the rank will be the emo girl.

* - admittedly, the use of the word "classic" here is highly debateable.
** - I only said that because I don't like it when you criticise me, Droog.


Blogger Ben said...

Heyyy, she did it!

Good stuff Alex, can't wait to see the first instalment.

(Whilst Donatello is clearly the most superior of turtles, when singing Karaoke one should use Michaelangelo for a greater accoustic effect.)

3:26 PM  
Blogger Tim said...

I respectfully disagree - Raphael is the best Turtle by far. I quote:

"Raphael is cool but rude"

Cool but rude. So he's cool, but he's rude. Get it?*

*(I don't.)

8:16 PM  
Blogger divinetrash said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, I must agree with Tim. Raphael is the best Ninja Turtle. I was always Raphael when playing Ninja Turtles back in primary school... and also at uni. He's the best all rounder. I sometimes pose the 'Turtle Question' like this. If you were going to date a Ninja Turtle, which one would you go out with?
Leonardo - too straight laced, too responsible, the sort of guy who would only fuck in one position.
Michael-Angelo - a loud toddler with ADHD, reved up on red cordial. Really Wild gets really tiresome really quickly.
Donatello - He's alright. Got a big pole that's for sure.
But Raphael - He's good all round. Not boring, not shallow. Layed back but fun. Obviously good with his hands. He definitly takes the cake.

11:58 PM  
Blogger divinetrash said...

Darling, I think that there is such a thing as reading too much into 80s' television theme tunes. However, here's my theory on what went down in that board-meeting:

"OK, people. So, Raphael; he's cool. But we need to think of another adjective for the song. One that rhymes with "dude", in fact. Any ideas?"

"Well, sir, perhaps we could use 'rude'? Or maybe 'stewed'?"

"No, I think you were right the first time, sonny. Perhaps by throwing in a "but" in between the two we can demonstrate that being rude and being cool are not synonymous. It's an important lesson for the kids!"

BTW, love your work, Seb! xox

12:03 AM  
Blogger divinetrash said...

And for the record, I love guys who are intelligent. That's why for my money, I'd pick Donatello to date, (and pick the Donatello Pez dispenser). I mean, he "does machines" (SEXY!)

A girl couldn't ask for more from a... turtle.

12:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

see, the way i see it it, donatello is definitely the shit. back in the day i was with michaelangelo all the way, but he's in-your-face, and that's not really that cool anymore ... plus donatello was the boss turtle.

12:35 AM  
Blogger divinetrash said...

You're not my usual Anonymous commenter, are you?

Anyway, I'm not about to argue with you too much about Donatello being the best.. He was. However, technically-speaking, Leonardo was actually the "boss turtle". He was the leader, (or as the song said "Leonardo leads"). But he only fucks in one position, so...

12:48 AM  
Blogger Tim said...

"Leonardo leads" might simply refer to his preference for taking the male part in ballroom dancing. But probably not.

I was never a big fan of Leonardo or Michaelangelo. One's too square, the other too much like a minor cast member from Point Break. Donatello and Raphael were the best turtles, and I'll throw mutagen at anybody who disagrees.

8:24 AM  
Blogger Ben said...

Yeah I was talking about this at a party last night.

Everybody seems to agree that Donatello and Raphael were the shit.

If I was female, and a turtle, and mutated, and mutant ninja turtles existed - I'd bang Raphael for sure.

3:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All the turtles were sexual misfits, as far as I'm concerned. None of them managed to hook up with April O'Neil, though she was clearly gagging for it.

4:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey alex,
might seem a little outta place here not making a comment on which ninja turtle i would prefer to fuck but just wanted to let you know i thought you last two entries were great, definately not "sub-par" as someone mentioned. but then im not a blogger so maybe it doesnt matter what i think. also on a more scary note i found myself turning into bridget when i read her diaries (yes plural i read them both) you just need to look at some of my diary entries to realise that i too suffered from briditise.

keep posting,
love lucy xxxxxooooo

12:18 AM  
Blogger Jon said...

ns is half right - April was totally up for 'it', but that makes her the sexual misfit: constantly wearing a tight-fitting yellow jumpsuit around teenagers in the sewer does not indicate particularly healthy sexual predelictions. If I was Splinter, I'd have reported her to the cops by now.

Happy Xmas and all the best Alex!

10:41 AM  
Blogger ManicLovely said...

Hey you crazy cat,
Stop reading Bridget Jones would you? its not helping you or anyone who loves you ok? Besides you said youd lend it to me.

I think your entry was funny but i think your comments were fucked, whats wrong with you people? Ah turtles, they will never cease to amaze me, NOT.

3:21 PM  
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4:05 PM  

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