Friday, December 30, 2005

LiveJournal User Profile: The emo girl

LiveJournal/AIM username: xDARKENINGxTORMENTx (find out your emo name here!)
Name of her LiveJournal: The Shards Of Your Tears Cut My Heart.
Typical excerpt from her LiveJournal:
Current mood: :-( Sad
Current music:
'Kill Me Quickly' by Thrice
Today I've been listening to a lot of Thrice. It always makes me cry. It feels like these lyrics were written for me:

"I'm sick of the bleeding until we fall down,
Sick of this circle of death that we dance through again and again"
I mean, doesn't that just sum up me and Jordan's relationship perfectly? It's like they looked into my soul. Listening to Thrice always reminds me of how fucked things are with Jordan. (Why doesn't he like me??) Anyway, after I finished crying, Shara came over and we watched 'Pretty In Pink'. If Duckie had Buddy Holly glasses, I would so fuck him. (Pity he's in that 'Two And A Half Men' show now.) We tried to make a drinking game to go with the movie, but we gave up pretty quickly and just got wasted. Can't believe I broke my edge AGAIN. No wonder Jordan doesn't like me.
Likes: scenesters who have their own car, boys who are in bands, making out with her girlfriends at parties, boys who don't eat meat, being wooed with mix-tapes, straight-edge guys, inch-wide badges, Chucks, getting scene points, boys who write songs about her.
Dislikes: boys with 20-20 vision (horn-rimmed glasses are a MUST, although she will accept boys with plain glass lenses if they're really cute), paying cover charges, going all the way on the first date, not getting Inpress first thing Wednesday morning, not having anywhere to go on Saturday night, having "hoodie hair", when her nailpolish isn't chipped enough, when her friends talk about a band she doesn't know, when boys don't call.
Favourite bands: Thursday, Sunny Day Real Estate, Mineral, The Used, Death Cab For Cutie, Jawbreaker, The Promise Ring, Alkaline Trio.
Favourite movies: 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind', 'Heathers', 'Amelie', 'Ghostworld', 'Me And You And Everyone We Know'.

Hobbies: getting on the door for gigs, collecting limited edition vinyl issues of her favourite albums, band name-dropping, doing things ironically, telling people she got her band merch at "shows" even though she bought it on eBay, taking arty-looking Polaroid pictures of herself and sticking them on her mirror, flirting with the bouncers at Ding Dong.
Secret shames: she isn't actually attracted to girls, she enjoys going to 'Next', one of her t-shirts is from Miss Shop, she lost her virginity while listening to The Tea Party, she still has a crush on Billy-Joe from Green Day, she finds it a turn-off when guys cry after sex.
Greatest fear: "What if blunt fringes don't suit me?!"
Find her at: Dangerfield, the Art House, Missing Link.
Bookmarks: makeoutclub.com, suicidegirls.com, myspace.com.

Future careers: full-time muse, aging groupie, gloating and sadistic door bitch, unsuccessful poet.
What Nige54 would say: She likes to drink, so it would be pretty easy to take her out, get her plastered, and then take advantage (one of the patented pick-up techniques outlined in my book Around The World In 80 Babes). However, she has way too much attitude for a girl who is so average looking. First of all, she is a brunette (normally I would ignore her for this reason alone; however I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt). Secondly, where did she misplace her boobs?! I only get nude with a C-cup or larger. However, the fact that she seems like such a crack-whore bitch makes me want to bend her over and teach her a lesson. That would be sensational.

--
Alex says: I actually think emo kids look pretty cute, although I don't want to be one myself. I have friends who are emo, and I hope they don't find this entry. Scarily enough, I was listening to a mix-tape of Svet's the other day and I realised I was listening to Thursday, and I didn't think the song was half bad. (Damn.) So, despite my best efforts, perhaps I am actually an emo girl at (my bleeding) heart! A worrying thought. And I decided to add a bit of bile to the cauldron brewing for Nige54 in everyone else's blog seeing as I was already making fun of people. Anyway, I plan to rip into more cliched people in future posts, like the Supre Chick and the Arts' Student! Stay tuned.

Thanks for the help with the photo-shoot, Svet!

16 Comments:

Blogger Adam 2.0 said...

This is the funniest thing I've ever read.

As a graphic stooge, I'd go so far as to create a LiveJournal or MySpace with this exact profile just to get a screen cap of it.

You're a genius, Alex.

10:12 AM  
Blogger Mao the Burmese Cat said...

I founds you because the fare evading mexican has posted on your similarities with a TV lawyer.

My simians are lawyers, but it is not that they look like you.

You're photos are fine- bear in mind that you will always be limited by your species.

I of course am incredibly good looking. So feed me salmon.

4:18 PM  
Blogger Jon said...

Thrice generally make me cry too, but only 'cos my ears are bleeding.

12:44 AM  
Blogger TimT said...

I like! Here's a haiku for the emo girl:

Blood! Death! Pain! Hurting!
Sadomasochistic crows!
Pure, pristine terror.

9:07 AM  
Blogger ManicLovely said...

Svet votes this post BEST Post thus far, this was totally awesome Alex! Funny till my haha muscle hurt lots and was shaking. Of course it would be stupid to give you ALL the credit when it is I who gave you that shaky info on emo-ness and took such excellent photos! Keep on trucking, truck face you rock.

10:45 AM  
Blogger divinetrash said...

Yes, Svettle, your photos did rock muchly. (I hope you realise that you'll be helping me at least two more times with photo-taking in future! Xox) And thanks for your imput with band-names and for letting my listen to your mix tape to get into the spirit of emo before I wrote the post.

I'd also like to thank my mom, and God...

2:06 PM  
Anonymous seb said...

That was sheer brilliance. Can't wait to see the next wity social commentry on the horribly cliched. I pitty those who are brought to their knees by your satire.

8:56 PM  
Anonymous Cat said...

Hilarious. Alex, i want to BE you. Emo or otherwise...

5:04 PM  
Anonymous lucy said...

hey alex,
that was really funny, didnt exactly know what emo was but your blog illustrated it beautifully. loved the photos!
love lucy.

3:27 AM  
Blogger LadyCracker said...

too funny Alex.

1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi,
according to iam.bmezine.com/emo.exe my name (emo, that is) is xDEJECTEDxTRAGEDYx. going by your "Paul Shaffer and the ghastly Phil Spector are actually one and the same person!" logic you and i may be the same person. i worked it out on my computer and there is a 100% certinty that our emo names share the same initials!!!! shocking and true. so now that i have found my emo alteregos doppelganger i have some questions.

are you christian?
do you, or have you at any time, doubt your faith?
do you have hormones?
do you struggle with these hormones?

p.s. this comment box is a total pat-on-the-back-fest so to break up the monotony i would just like to say you suck alex.
p.p.s. no hard feelings

3:46 PM  
Blogger divinetrash said...

Not to sound totally lame or anything, but I can't believe Ladycracker commented on my blog. To a small-time blogging entity such as myself, that's pretty coo-el.

Lucy, I am here to help.

Blair, as an only child I always wanted a sibling. You could fill that void, my little emo alter-ego doppelganger... Howzabout it? As for your questions the answers are as follows:
-No, but I'll pretend that I am for your amusement.
-I do indeed doubt my faith when I see the other girls in the changeroom after gym class. I can't help but wonder if it is so wrong to be attracted to a girl, then why would God make me that way??
-I try not to have hormones. Whenever I have a dirty thought that would make baby Jesus cry, I snap a rubber-band that I wear around my wrist.
-Everyday is a stuggle, but as long as I don't let Satan fill my head with doubts about the existence of our Lord, or doubts about the wickedness of sexual behaviour of any kind (especially with girls, *snaps rubber-band*), then I'll be OK!

Remember, Blair: TRUE LOVE WAITS! (... for a guy.)

2:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

John Cryer. Why isn't the man a legend of our time? Not only was he a voice for the highly acclaimed Striperella, but he also wrote and produced "Went to Coney Island on a Mission From God... Be Back by Five".

12:42 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

Nicely done Alex, I'm so proud... sniff.

Sincerely, your pal

.dejected.for.regret.

12:14 PM  
Blogger divinetrash said...

Anonymous: Jon Cryer is a legend to me. Even though he was never sexy in anything else except 'Pretty In Pink', (I mean, the scene where he mimes to Otis Redding alone is worth the price of admission), I still want to have, like, 10,000 of his babies.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really showed myself up there, didn't I? Of course Jon would be Jon and not John. Its too old fashioned for such an happening 80's kid.

10:50 PM  

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