Damned Liberal Party meat goods...

They sat on the grill seeming innocent enough and in fact rather delicious looking as they sizzled away in their own fat. But these were no ordinary sausages. No, these sausages were forged by Satan's very hand. They were... CONSERVATIVE SAUSAGES! In order to eat one, I had to stand next to a large effigy of Peter Costello they had erected near the BBQ (the effigy, I gleefully add, was later abducted and crudely defaced by some students, before being replaced in its original position. Juvenile though the prank was, just watching those events unfold made me think to myself, "This is what I came to university for!"). But being the left-wing bludger that I am, I'm willing to sacrifice all my ideals in the name of getting something for free. I made a stand by putting plenty of RED ketchup on it (geddit!). Anyway, the point is that later that evening I had stomach pains. Coincidence? I think not!

This noshing on conservative sausage business came about during my O-Week at uni. I spent a bit of time watching the clubs and societies pimp themselves on the last couple of orientation days, which was quite interesting. Checking out the Liberal Club stand I noticed that they had these rather fabulous bumper stickers that proclaimed "RACK OFF LEFTY SCUM" and "SOCIALISM SUX" (notice how they're attempting to reach the hip young cats of today with their adept use of slang? FAB!). Of course I went over immediately; I mean, I just had to have them. I spoke with the young chap manning the booth and we had a convo that went a little something like this:
Me: "Hey, have you got anymore of those bumper stickers?"
Him: "Nah, sorry, they're just for display."
Me: " 'Rack off lefty scum'... that's classic."
Him: "Yeah, there's a lot of them around campus. You wouldn't happen to be lefty scum would you? I wouldn't want to offend you." (This guy is all class, folks!)
Me: "Nah, don't worry about it."
Him: "Because we get a lot of lefty scum wanting those stickers for some reason."
Me: "Yeah... wackos." (I skulk off quickly at this point.)
OK, so he had me pegged. But I wouldn't describe myself as your average campus lefty scum. As for instance, the socialists groups around school shit me more than the Libs. I hold the conservative groups with a certain morbid fascination, whereas the leftist factions serve to infuriate me to an unimaginable degree. And yet you'd probably call me a socialist if you're one of those people who insists on giving labels to people. GO FIGURE, huh?

Anyway, I really did get stomach pains many hours after eating those sausages. So the moral of the story is... well, I don't know. I just felt anecdotal, I guess.

'Candy corn is damn tasty', and other reasons I want to visit the US of A...

Yes, that's right, ladies and gentlemen; I want to go to the United States. "Why?", I hear you ask. Well, for some reason I am absolutely fascinated by their culture, (whether or not I enjoy watching it mutilate the Australian culture is another matter altogether, by the way). The people that live there have created a lot of art (music, cinema, literature, as well as visual arts) that I really enjoy. They also have some cities over there that I am DYING to visit (NYC, anyone?). And the natural beauty of some parts of the country also seems exciting and different to that I have experienced in my homeland and in my travels (Yellowstone, anyone?). Plus, apart from my actual interest in them, it can't be a bad thing to try to understand the way the world super power operates and perhaps even WHY it is the world super power.

Perhaps most importantly, though, I have developed an infatuation with the romance of the road and the freedom of the road. Yes, I have read Kerouac (what a shocker, eh?!) and this helped germinate a seed that had been planted by films and other media. I have this total boner for the idea of having my own car and just driving through all the states I want to see, staying in cheap motels, having bad coffee and slices of pie in diners, and working when I need the cash. OK, this might be completely unrealistic but I don't care! I'll have all these mix tapes that I'll play full blast, and drive on empty roads that stretch through desert, with the roof down (the car has to be a convertible... maybe a Mustang, or something!) and the wind in my hair.

The flaws of my plan:
-I don't even have a learner's permit, let alone an international driver's license.
-I'm in debt to the tune of 4 grand with my folks from my last holiday.
-I have no job.
-Getting a green card is almost impossible (the situation is aparently so dire that people will resort to marrying Andie McDowell to get one, if 90s' rom coms are to be believed).
-I am a total wimp and would die traveling on my own.

But it will be worth it when I get there. I mean, have you tried candy corn?

Free condiment charming...

Mr. Mitchell, if you actually read this you'll notice that I quoted from an article about you! (And acknowledeged the reference down the bottom...) I just thought it was such a perfect way to describe that kind of person that I had to use it; it's gold.
Speaking of gold, I got an email from my favourite high school teacher of all time in which he described his recent trip to India. Therein was this nugget: "And that ashram in Pondicherry where they worship "The Mother" who seems the most unremarkable being whose "wise" sayings were so banal and pedestrian but the whole thing was sooo creepy and Jonestown that I had nightmares that The Mother was after me." How do I love thee, Dunscombe? Let me count the ways.

Paging Mr Pop...

This is what my hair cut looks like just before it decides to channel Iggy Pop (it does this every two months). However, to be fair to me it's a nicer dress than Ig would wear.