The Australian Government gets hip to the kids: a Brave New World?

When I was doing a bit of research about Ecstasy for my Divine gets trashed! post (below), I stumbled across the the government’s official "drugs are bad" website. Have you checked it out? Well, don't bother, because, on the whole, it's boring as all fuck. However, there is a section that gives a voice to the young'uns, which is called, wait for it, Somazone! (Because the kids have read Brave New World, and all...) It's a forum for young people to talk about all the seemingly taboo subjects that they should be able to get reliable information about from their school and family (but obviously aren't), like sex, drugs, mental health, contraception, harassment, sexuality, etc. Bad for them, good for you if you want to read about 13 year old girls losing their virginity to the sounds of Blink 182's Dammit, whilst covered in chocolate body sauce, IN THEIR OWN WORDS!! (LOLZ!) It’s proof that the age of consent laws should definitely be in place, despite what any Dutch political parties may have to say on the matter. What becomes obvious when you read some of the stories is that Harold the giraffe is just not getting through to the kids about the practicalities of sex, i.e. how to know when you’re doing it all wrong, what music is appropriate to listen to while you’re doing it, etc. Here’s two key paragraphs from the story of the chocolate-covered 13 year old, whose "man" "lasted" 40 minutes:

“...Also, when I tried to go on top a bit later, it hurt a bit more and it totally sucked trying to get it in!!!!!!! He kept slipping..... I guess there was too much lube!!!!!! So after switching back to missionary, he got on top, shoved it in, and spent the next forty or so minutes tiring himself out!!!!! We were fully making my bed squeak, and it was rocking heaps fast!!!!! I wasn't feeling anything, well I was..... it felt good!!!!! So now I feel like more sex!!!!! I really really actually like sex!!!!!!! It feels so good to have the weight of a guy on you! And the thrusting or whatever you call it, felt really calming and nice.... 40 mins isn't enough!!!!! So he sticks it back inside..... it feels good going slower, and he keeps asking me if I could go on top coz his legs hurt, if its hurting me and stuff like that..... we were timing how long we were going for!!!!

Occasionally we would stop, he would suck on my nipple, kiss my cheek, chest, shoulder, stomach, whatever or we would make out!!!!!! Then after he asked if it was hurting, I told him that it felt good, and to go faster and deeper! So he did, and that’s where it started feeling seriously good..... sumtimes he would stop, either to pull out to pull the condom up, finger me, ask if I wanted oral or to grope me...... he was having the time of his life!!!!!! I'm totally dreading getting my rags now, becaue I don't want to have to stop having sex! We talked throughout the whole thing almost!!!!!! We talked about anything and everything... how it felt, the songs playing, how fast our hearts are beating and can you feel it? How fun it was, how we have to do it more often!!!!!”

Go to the Somazone right now and read stories and questions posted by kids, many of whom open up their little hearts to the world... Then read all the cruel-hearted replies from their peers. It's alternately hilarious and totally depressing. Definitely something worth procrastinating over.

In my day, adolescent sex was as short and fast as a Blink 182 song.

Divine gets trashed! Shock new drug scandal: Alex found on bathroom floor after wild night out

Only Quasi Boho Alterna-Whatnot can reveal the latest crisis to rock the cosy world of "divinetrash" (a.k.a Alex). Sources close to the star say that after a night out in sleazy bars, Alex found herself paying the price, on her bathroom floor. Her messy morning is believed to be the result of undisclosed substances taken at Eurotrash bar and (the notorious) Lounge. "She was in and out of the ladies' toilets all night," a nightclub spy said. A party pal was more loose-lipped - as ever - revealing that it was her drug 'come-down' that brought on her illness. "It wasn't till 6am that she got sick. Before that she was totally fine."

Minders are apparently concerned about Alex's hard-partying ways, but she claims she's just "having fun".

QBA-W, spoke exclusively to a 'friend' of the star, who wanted to remain anonymous. "I was with her the whole time," he said. "When we got home, she was happy and chatty, watching T.V. in her loungeroom. Then she suddenly said, 'I'm just going to go straight to bed, without brushing my teeth.' Then she said, 'I feel sick; I think I might try to crawl to bed.' Finally, after trying to crawl, she jumped up and ran to the toilet."

When she got to the bathroom, things got from bad to worse. Instead of just letting herself throw-up whatever was making her sick, Alex tried to stop the vomit. "She seemed kind of paranoid," her 'friend' revealed. "She seemed to decide early on that she wasn't going to throw-up, and did everything she could to prevent it." Unfortunately, her attempts to swallow down whatever came up left her hyperventilating, according to pals.

Her 'friend' was left laughing at some of her demands. "She asked me to read to her to calm her down," he said. Ever the diva, Alex insisted, "Nothing postmodern!" as she lay on the bathroom floor. When her 'friend' needed to use the toilet, Alex apparently asked him to go outside, so she wouldn't have to move from the bowl.

Celeb-watchers are already beginning to speculate about when Alex may enter rehab.

In the hour that she spent clinging to the toilet, fighting waves of nausea, Alex became pale and shaky. She felt feverish and was unable to stop clenching her jaw and hands. Her 'friend' revealed to QBA-W that she also hallucinated, explaining that, "she could hear voices of people around her, and follow their conversations. It wasn't until she opened her eyes that she realised that there wasn't anyone there, except me."

When she stopped feeling vomitous, she curled-up in the foetal position, pressing her overheated face against the cold tiles. "It was the only place she felt cool and comfortable. She refused to come back to bed for another hour and a half," her "friend" explained. QBA-W asked Alex's father, John, for comment. He explained that her bad reaction was proof that she hadn't followed his philosophy on drugs. "I've always said that you shouldn't take anything made by criminals," he explained, when asked for comment. A big drug-taker in the 1970s, John said that he "always knew who made [his] drugs." His advice for Alex in the future is, "to stick to pot and speed, and you won't go wrong. I'm 65 now, and my brain works fine."

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OK, so, despite that being a tribute to the style of "journalism" employed by my favourite trashy magazine, NW, the above story is actually what happened to me on Saturday. I thought that, because I'm such a clean-livin' gal, I should make a tribute to the repercussions of what was only the second time I've dabbled in class A drugs! Everything described is true (yes, even the bit about me going to the Lounge), and my dad really did give me that advice. That is his idea of what a drug lecture should be like but, then again, he is a nutcase and seems to have no idea about what the drug scene is like in modern times. I'm thinking of hiring him out for the 'Life Education' van that goes to primary schools, as a fill-in for Harold the giraffe.
P.S. The pictures of me are based on this oh-so flattering portrait of John Mayer:

Nice catch, Jessica.