Wednesday, April 05, 2006

This post is rated PG for a mild sense of cynicism...

The other day I convinced my friends Seb and Svet that we should watch David Cronenberg's movie 'Crash'. (When I asked Svet if we could get it, she said “Isn’t that the gross movie where people have sex with other people’s car crash wounds??” I replied in the affirmative. She said “OK, get it.”) Disappointingly enough, no one actually did have sex with anyone else’s wounds. However, they did have sex in smashed up cars, masturbate while watching car crashes, have sex with fatally wounded car crash victims, etc. etc. etc. All in all, it made for a good afternoon’s viewin'. Plus, you got to see a whole lotta James Spader, and that can’t be a bad thing. Anyway, despite how awesome that film might sound, the most memorable part of the whole viewing experience was in fact the previews on the VHS cassette (yes, even more memorable than watching James Spader get it on with some dude who was covered in scars). One of them was for a movie called 'Last Chance' and it came across as the ultimate 1990s' action movie, in that it possessed every single cliché of the genre. I actually made Svet rewind it and then play small segments back to me so I could write the whole trailer down for posterity. Tell me if this does not sound like the most generic film ever made: (imagine the voiceover parts in the typical gruff male American v/o voice…)

Voice over: After a nuclear holocaust, the world is a very different place. Joe Knight is a reluctant hero with an attitude. McCabe is a wisecracking soldier with a past.

(Dialogue from film:
Judge: “This court finds you guilty!
McCabe (wisecrackingly): “Is this going to go on my permanent record?”)

V/O: Together they must fight a warlord to save the human race from extinction. Only one scientist holds the key to mankind’s survival.

(Dialogue:
Scientist: “Shortly before the war my father created a serum.
McCabe: “You mean if someone ingests this serum they’re able to have sex?”)

V/O: In a land ravaged by war, men and women must find a way to trust each other once again. And bring new life to a dying plant.

(Quick shots of McCabe and Knight hooking up with scantily clad blondes in science laboratories.)

V/O: Fate can bring a slight change in plans.

(Quick shots of cars exploding in the desert, people shooting each other, men in tanks, scantily clad blondes with large rifles, etc.)

V/O: Now an ordinary man must take a chance to become a hero. This is humanity’s ‘LAST CHANCE’.

Also, there is a character in this film known as 'the Queen of the Amazons'... For serious... It has to be seen to be believed. So go rent a VHS copy 'Crash' right now. That'll be waaaaay easier to get than a copy of 'Last Chance' itself, I imagine.

In other news, I recently had another one of my Arts' student existential crises. These crises occur when I realise how utterly pointless and removed from any kind of reality that actually matters my university studies are. The one I had the other day was brought on when I read this sentence in one of my subject readers:

"The last portion of this chapter offers a Baudrillardian reading of Milli Vanilli..."

(I swear I didn’t make that up!) That sentence sent shivers down my spine, I'm here to tell you. I mean, what if I turn into that person?? It's entirely likely, you know. For that same subject I'm presently writing content analyses of Kylie Minogue music videos. In my current state of mind I realise how disconnected that is from anything worthwhile; it's just a fun and enjoyable exercise. But what if one day I wake up and realise that my whole career is based on my groundbreaking Lacanian mirror-stage theoretical interpretations of the 'Hand On Your Heart' clip? WHAT THEN??? Basically, I think that as long as I never become an academic it'll all be OK. So, please kill me if you see me attempting any kind of post-grad work. Deal?

To end on a more pleasant note, did you know that 'Ice Age 2' is rated PG due to "a mild sense of menace"? The world is becoming a progressively odder place, I think.

9 Comments:

Blogger Daniel said...

Heh. It's apparently better known as "Terminal Virus", not "Last Chance". It gets better: it was made for TV.

A review: http://www.coldfusionvideo.com/t/terminalvirus.html


Body count is only 73, it seems. Pretty low.

5:34 PM  
Blogger divinetrash said...

Better known as 'Terminal Virus' in the U.S I imagine, because the IMDB said the same thing.

I don't know how it ended up in the trailers for a proper feature film. Maybe they aimed for the straight-to-video market in Australia instead?

Anyway, I'm going to track it down one of these days!

Oh, and stop procrastinating and write your essays, Dan. (Oh, the irony.)

6:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was hilarious. How I would love to be a reluctant hero with an attitude.

A reluctant hero with attitude.

6:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you seen Ice Age 2? Cos I sure sensed the menace. No really. there were these evil scaley dinosaur devil creatures that swam around and were very, er, menacing... the 4 year old in front of me didn't mind, but they scared the fuck out of me.
anyway al, i'm having the exact opposite crisis to you. maybe we should compare, grass is always greener style, and make ourselves feel better about our respective studies. for me there's not nearly enough pomo wank. my studies are so steeped in reality that it's depressing. fun is good.

CN + Joe Knight 4 eva.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

for some reason, i have a deep-seeded latenight television memory of this film. i think tom selleck is in it.

ahh milli vanilli.
awww.
terence trent d'arby had better moves.

10:53 PM  
Blogger ManicLovely said...

I feel like I've already seen that movie after going through it's advertisement frame by frame! Ahh, we do find ways the spend our days don't we Al?
Im going to go have a crisis now.

11:43 AM  
Blogger russ said...

You know what? I think I've seen this film. I don't remember if it was on tv very late at night, or on video since I was at a friend's house, but it would have been 95/96.

I can't be entirely sure though. The trailer seems to make more sense than I remember the film making.

1:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha, I just realised we do the same subject. Had I turned up to more lectures I would have known!

DVDs have stolen the fun of watching cheesy previews, and if they decide to slip in ads you can't fast-forward thru them.

1:52 PM  
Blogger divinetrash said...

Bunyip: you ARE a reluctant hero with attitude. Hasn't anyone told you?

Cat: don't sell yourself short! You can do better than Joe '4-by-2' Knight; I see you with McCabe. You know what they say: a wise-cracker in real life is a fire-cracker in bed... OK, I just made that up.

drewski: I bought Terence Trent D'Arby's debut album on vinyl the other day. But the follow-up with not one but TWO songs called 'Supermodel Sandwich' will always hold a special place in my heart.

maniclovely: that we do, Svet, that we do.

russ: I have to admit, I'm kind of jealous.

ns: howzabout actually turning up to our lecture on Thursday? Then I will say "hi" to you. People can't get enough of me saying "hi" to them; trust me.

11:27 PM  

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