Sunday, March 05, 2006

Blogger User Profile: The fashionable chick

Blogger username: platinum_card_princess
Name of her blog: 2 Hott 4 U
Typical excerpt from her blog:
today i ate:
9am=1 bowl special k with skinny milk
1pm=1 low fat boost juice

7pm=1 garden salad (no dressing!)
yay the diet is going sooooo well! i will be super sexy is no time! then i just kno jordan will like me again. all i need is refills on my acrylic nails, some hair extensions (i could fucking kill my hairdresser for what she did to my beautiful hair!), and to boost my tan (winter made me pasty as!). i saw jordan at 'motel' last nite with his new gf. she looks like the biggest skanky bitch. she probably goes to a public school or something. i am so totally heartbroken without him. oh! and the worst thing happened at 'boutique' on friday... i go soooo drunk that i lost my new kate spade clutch!!! (i wish i'd lost my stupid louis vuitton tote coz thats soooo last season and everyone has those cheap tacky rip off ones.) anywayz its all coz some ugly guy thought that if he bought me drinks i would talk to him (so wrong!). anywayz he got me like about 1000 appletinis but i still ignored him! ha! plus jordan saw it and it hopefully made him jealous. oh, i miss that clutch. maybe if i cry about it enough dad will finally buy me that matching tiffany heart charm bracelet and necklace i want. laterz.
Likes: Havaiana thongs ("i have like about 15 different colours!"), clothes and accessories where the designer's name is really ostentatiously positioned, skinny-leg jeans that are so tight they cut off her circulation, guys buying her things, kissing her girlfriends for the camera so she can get in the club pages of a cool magazine, parading down the street like she's on the catwalk, guys telling her she's beautiful, guys telling her she's sexy, girls being jealous of her, when pink is the new black, shopping (especially with other people's money), lip gloss.
Dislikes: leaving the house without lip gloss, her latest haircut, having to do any kind of work, subtitles in films, guys who don't buy jewelry for 1 month anniversaries, guys who get mad when they get dumped for cuter/richer guys, shop assistants who don't fawn enough, when she gets bloated, bad hair days, when orange is the new black, guys who drive convertibles--the wind messes up her hair, being away from her mobile phone, her small breasts ("i'm trying to convince dad to get me a boob job for xmas!").
Favourite bands: Ashanti, Black Eyed Peas, Destiny's Child, OutKast, Gwen Stefani, Usher, Ashlee/Jessica Simpson, P!nk, Beyonce, Madonna ("i hope i'm as hott as her when i'm an old lady").
Favourite movies: anything with Brad Pitt, 'Legally Blonde', 'Mean Girls' ("except the end when lindsay starts to dress fugly again and stops wearing lipgloss! ew!"). But generally she prefers television to movies, and always watches 'The O.C.', 'The Gilmore Girls', and 'The Bold And The Beautiful'.

Hobbies: skipping meals, preening, attention seeking, twirling hair around her finger, fishing for compliments, getting guys to buy things for her, convincing friends to wear unflattering outfits so she can look better by comparison, accessorising, asking if her bum looks big in her jeans, making her boyfriends wear clothes she chooses for them, going out as much as possible so she can convince people that she is happy and popular.
Secret shames: she once accidentally read some of the novel 'Myron' because she got Gore Vidal and Vidal Sassoon confused, she was never a natural blonde, in year 7 she hung out with the punks and goths at Flinders Street Station, she once left the house without any make-up, she has never been approached by model talent scouts, she had a nose job before she transferred to MLC in year 9, she actually thinks skinny-leg jeans are hideously '80s looking but has suppressed this thought, she once let a boyfriend send pictures he took of her in her underwear to FHM so he wouldn't break up with her.
Greatest fear: "What if I'm not skinny enough for skinny-leg jeans?"
Find her at: Chapel Street, Chadstone Shopping Centre, Starbucks (for a skinny mocha latte), Borders (to get the air freight copies of various international publications of 'Elle' Magazine).
Bookmarks: "um, i have like waaaaay too much of a life to spend all my time online like a friendless loser!"
People she wants to kill: whoever decided high-waisted pants and skirts should come back into fashion (although she will soon suppress this thought, too), girls who are prettier/better dressed than her, girls who turn up at an event in the same clothes as her, her hairdresser for giving her such an ugly haircut.
Future careers: editor of 'Cosmopolitan', one of those women who pretends to be her daughter's sister, fashion buyer, personal shopper with celebrity clients ("like how hott would that be?!"), something in marketing or PR, trophy wife who lies on the couch all day eating bon-bons and watching her "stories", mutton dressed as lamb.
Life motto: "Being sexy means never having to say you're sorry."

Alex says: I have a lot of thank-yous. Firstly, Svet, thank you for being a total gem and doing whatever I ask in the name of blogging, including humouring me, advising me, and taking photos. Thanks also to my other technical advisors Jon and Will. I will be like Lindsay at the end of 'Mean Girls' and break you off a bit of that nasty blonde wig (from the previous post) for you as a reward. (Then we'll all be partial Spring Fling Queens! Hooray!) Lastly, a word to the staff at 'The Basement' at Myer... You guys are fucking unbelievably shit at your job. Your customer service skills are non-existent, as are your manners. But I love how you guys just stand around posing and talking to each other about how great you are. This was not only great inspiration for this character, but it also meant that Svet and I were able to take armfuls of clothes into a changeroom and spend close to an hour trying them on and taking the pictures for this post, without you guys saying anything to us or interfering. GOOD ONE, fuckers.

Too darn HOTT.


Blogger Jon said...

...once accidentally read some of the novel 'Myron' because she got Gore Vidal and Vidal Sassoon confused

Hah! And I thought I was the only one. (Vacantly twirls a blonde lock around finger)

Can't belive you thought this was going to be a dud post Alex. It was worth it for the above line and the look of complete vaccuity in that first photo alone.

8:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ugh, Elle! Sister, save your daddy's money and avoid. They are all crap: from the skinny little French Elle that comes out weekly and may as well be empty, to the horribly boring US version with its horrible covers. Stick with magazines that tell you what you'll be like if you read them in the name, like Allure, Glamour (esp. the purse-fitting pocket-sized Italian version), or the deeply ironic, Cosmopolitan.

Also, Borders is expensive, go to McGills.

Nice post though Alex.

8:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alex, you nail the fashionable chick so well I actually feel sorry for them. Is that your aim: to promote understanding?

10:42 AM  
Blogger ManicLovely said...

I can actually say that the wait was well worth it on this one. That was funny funny ha ha in my pants fuzzy. (you know what im saying)
The credit note to the dumb girls in the Basement was good. Can you believe any self-respecting guy would ever sleep with those zombies?ahem.

Oh and the bit where she let her bf send pics the FHM so he wouldnt dump her!

Oh and when orange is the new black!

Aah its all good.

And whos that bitchy blond? She looks like such a total slut with her Hilary Duff earrings and way way last last season stussy top! Doesnt she know Stussy is out and Golf Punk is in?

11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

great post, freckles.
the only downside is now i'm conflicted - i'm deeply in love with emo girl but want to party with fashionable girl. true story.

12:44 AM  
Blogger FortuneCat said...

That post was like.. Stu-like in length (hello double meaning). Anyways I'm intrigued by the basement zombies - I wanted to go and make stalker t-shirts there. Maybe you gals can accompany me and we can freak them out.

What is with those cheap Loius 'lookalike' bags? I hate them only slightly more than the real thing, which are so common I'd use one as a puke bucket.

12:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hot. Just shot a load. Post more.

7:51 PM  
Blogger divinetrash said...

Is it just me or is it really wrong that my wig post got more comments than this one? Seems to only way to guarantee readership is to use early 90s' pop culture references.

jon: Thanks, baby. Although, now it's going to be hard to follow this one up.

Russ: I can see this is an issue that weighs heavily on your mind. I actually selected 'Elle' because it's the most fatuous one. But thanks.

ns: Actually I write these because making fun of other people makes me feel better about my own pathetic self. But thanks.

maniclovely: Aw, thanks. It's your opinion that matters most to me.

droog: Fictional characters though they may be, I still think both of them would have more sense to get mixed up with a cad like you. True story.

fortunecat: After the last time I went to that shithole, I vowed never to return. You'll have to find someone else for your Basement escapades.

Pouncer: You're so romantic. I only post to get you off, y'know.

6:27 PM  

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